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The Mountain Bike Experience

March 23, 2009 · Greg

We’ve begun work on a documentary tentatively titled “Free Riders” here in Hood River, Oregon. The documentary will follow our friend Douglas as he builds trails and rides the forests here in the pacific northwest.

Greg decided to give proper mountain biking a try. Having not been on a bike in quite some time, some minor difficulty was to be expected. I mean, even the pros have trouble from time to time. However, something bad happened.

Read on, but be warned if you’re squeamish – graphic pictures ahead

I was guided up to a trail and things seemed easy enough. Douglas had a few technical difficulties right at the beginning.

Douglas fixes his bike up

Here’s the demon I was set to ride:

Mechanical evil plotting my destruction.

Soon after some tinkering, Douglas was ready to ride.

All set.

The ride began innocently enough. I noticed that the bike was surprisingly easy to ride and handle. When I was younger, I never properly understood gears for bikes. I didn’t need to because I always rode on pavement. I wish I knew more before going on this ride.

After riding down the trail for about five minutes, the bike began to pick up way too much speed. Having almost slipped on a few patches of snow, I quickly lost control of the bike over an area with some wet rocks. I hit the brakes a little too hard, and over the handle bars I went – directly on to the rocks.

I lifted up my shirt and saw a massive abrasion on my right side. Douglas said he had never seen anything like it, and he’s seen plenty of people wipe out like I did. My whole right side, from my chest down, was in pain. Check the pictures below to see why.

Douglas and I walked back up the trail with the bikes, so he could ride downhill and grab his truck. I waited a total of 30 minutes before we were able to get out of there. The pain wasn’t getting worse, so that was a relief.

We went and checked with a medical friend of Doug’s, and she recommended cleaning the wound and putting it on ice. I was able to walk and felt OK, so I figured I was in the clear. This is what it looked like when we got home:

No big deal, right?

No big deal, right?

So it had been cleaned, I put on a bandage and we went on business as usual. We watched part of A Mighty Heart when I decided to go get some water. This was around 11pm. When I got to the fridge, I collapsed.

Halp.

Halp.

Water from the glass I broke went all over me. It felt really good to be on the ground though, so I stayed there for a little bit. Not like I could have gotten up if I wanted to anyway. Douglas got me into a chair, and this was the status:

Not good.

Not good.

We discussed a possible trip to the ER, but decided against it. We all had a long day, I thought maybe all I needed was rest.

So I went to sleep shortly after. Well, around 2am, I got up to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, it is hard to take a piss when you start blacking out. I made enough noise falling in the bathroom three or four times that I got Douglas and his girlfriend Heather to wake up and come downstairs to help me out.

The ER trip followed, and they set me up with an IV and a catscan. After about 1 hour of waiting, they let me know the catscan was clear and none of my internal organs were damaged. I did lose 2 pints of blood though (internally), which explains the blackouts. I was told that my blood sugar levels were low and that was how the body regulates that. I can say now I know what life for a diabetic might feel like – it isn’t fun. They pumped me up with some juicy fluids and sent me on my merry way.

I’m a firm believer that in this particular instance I’m lucky to be fat. My fat was what saved my innards against those treacherous rocks. I’m grateful that I was wearing a helmet too, or the accident would have been much worse.

Moral of the story: if you’re going to be dumb, make sure you’re tough.

Post accident – Day 1:

Nice bruise now.

Nice bruise now.

Oh yeah!

Sweet.

Sweet.

Day 2:

Wow.

Wow.

Day 3:

Day 3...bruise has gotten BIG

Day 3...bruise has gotten BIG

Day 4:

Day 4

Day 4

Day 5:

Yep. Day 5. Look at it spread...

Yep. Day 5. Look at it spread...

Day 6:

Out of control.

Out of control.

If you look closely, you can see how not only is my leg underneath the main injury also badly bruised, but the bruise itself is spreading across my stomach. PS: gross

Day 7 (final day of pic updates – yay!):

Yes, it's true...I am fat. But the fat saved my life

Yes, it's true...I am fat. But the fat saved my life

As you can see there’s a nice scab over the abrasion now. I let it air out all day yesterday and slept for the first time without the bandages on. Hopefully the swelling and the bleeding will begin to stop now. Please make it stop. For the morbid group, I hope these pictures have been enjoyable.

I’d like to thank Douglas and Heather for taking care of me during the accident and while I am recovering.

Posted In: Commentary, The Team
Tagged: funny, horror, The Woods Belong To Us

17 Comments

  1. Kyle Evans

    March 23, 2009 at 6:10 pm · Reply

    DAMN. That is one serious shiner. Glad you’re still vertical buddy.

  2. Alissa

    March 23, 2009 at 6:29 pm · Reply

    holy jesus virgin fuckballs.

    2 pints of blood internally?!

    You are one lucky dude. Glad you’re gonna live.

  3. Rachel

    March 23, 2009 at 7:34 pm · Reply

    I think Alissa said it best with holy jesus virgin fuckballs!

    I had to skim b/c I couldn’t stop looking, that looks awful! I’m so glad you’re okay.

  4. Jon Conley

    March 23, 2009 at 9:30 pm · Reply

    That’s…amazing.

    I want to make a film, about my friend Greg making films.

  5. Jeep

    March 23, 2009 at 10:30 pm · Reply

    Holy crap. Use full body armor next time.

  6. jessica

    March 24, 2009 at 10:53 pm · Reply

    woah dood. I’m glad that you’re doing ok with no ruptured anything. Did they say where the internal bleeding was coming from?

  7. L.M. Braun

    March 25, 2009 at 3:49 am · Reply

    Where was George? It’s his responsibility to keep you from doing shit like this to yourself!

  8. Ian

    March 25, 2009 at 12:08 pm · Reply

    If you had wanted to know what life as a Diabetic was like you could have simply asked me rather than bleeding out on the inside.

    Hope all is well otherwise.

  9. Jeanette

    March 27, 2009 at 9:04 am · Reply

    What were you thinking? At any rate, I am glad to see that you change your underwear everyday….

  10. Kristen

    March 27, 2009 at 10:35 am · Reply

    JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!

  11. Jeanette

    March 27, 2009 at 7:02 pm · Reply

    You are obviously still bleeding internally, please keep a close eye on it…you might have to go back to the ER…

  12. Old Man

    March 27, 2009 at 7:56 pm · Reply

    Wow Son, leave the stunts to the stuntmen. Try taking up golf and no rock climbing!

  13. jessica

    March 28, 2009 at 12:53 pm · Reply

    Thanks for sharing these pix with us…. Looks like it is healing nicely. i know you already know this but keep eye on your scab and don’t pick at it. Isn’t it amazing how big a contusion can become? I’m glad you’re ok. Hugs from Seatown!

  14. moody

    March 28, 2009 at 1:00 pm · Reply

    feathery christ, man. happy to see it is yellowing out, could’ve been worse i suppose.

  15. travis

    March 28, 2009 at 9:28 pm · Reply

    If you lose blood internally, is it still considered lost?..it’s still inside of you right? hmmmm

  16. lol

    January 31, 2014 at 12:05 pm · Reply

    omg! im so glad ur ok u could of had that story in the papers instead of some crappy online website, although very interesting…

  17. Raul

    August 8, 2020 at 7:18 am · Reply

    Dude!! Just had this same injury, it got to the size of a football, had to get an emergency operation to drain the hematoma and cauterize the leaky veins.

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